Dana was wrapping presents on a Sunday in early December when she realised she had no idea what a normal gift for an au pair looks like. Her kids' teachers got a card and a coffee voucher. Her own team at work did a secret Santa with a spending limit. Mira, the au pair who had lived with them since March, had cooked, driven and carried two children through a winter of colds, and a candle suddenly seemed like an insult.
She asked a neighbour who had hosted for years. "Oh, we give a plane ticket for the holidays," the neighbour said. "And a bonus at the end." Dana nodded as if that were ordinary. That night she searched for what families give. She found gift-idea lists, and she found pages about the weekly stipend. She did not find a single page that put the two together.
This post fills that gap as far as the public sources allow. There is no official gift norm and, as far as we could find, no published survey of what families spend, so we do not print an average. What we can do is separate the money you owe from the money you choose to give, show how families decide on the second kind, and name the limits that apply however generous you feel.
🇺🇸🇩🇪 This guide covers the US J-1 programme and Germany. The rules differ and so do customs. Always check your sponsor or agency, and for tax questions a qualified adviser.
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Three kinds of money
The confusion starts when everything is called "pay". It helps to split what goes to or for your au pair into three groups.
| Group | What it is | Who decides |
|---|---|---|
| The floor | The weekly stipend (US) or monthly pocket money (Germany) | The rules and your sponsor or agency |
| What the family owes on top | Room and board, health insurance, language-course contribution, and similar items | The rules, your agreement |
| Discretionary extras | Gifts, a year-end bonus, paying more than the minimum, a share of a trip | You |
Only the third group is up to you. The first two are what we cover first, because every extra sits on top of them.
The floor
In the US, the J-1 regulation says au pairs are paid a weekly rate "based upon 45 hours of child care services per week" in line with the Fair Labor Standards Act (22 CFR § 62.31(j)). It does not name a dollar amount. Your sponsor tells you the current weekly figure, and we will not print one here that we cannot source.
In Germany, the Federal Employment Agency information sheet states the pocket money as €280 a month, "regardless of the duration of the housework time" (BA information sheet 1.7). Our post on what German pocket money covers goes through the details.
What the family owes on top
The Federal Employment Agency sheet also says the family provides room and board free of charge (1.5), pays for the au pair's health and accident insurance (1.8), and contributes at least €840 in total to language-course costs, which can be paid as €70 a month where the costs actually arise (1.6). Travel to and from Germany is generally the au pair's own cost (1.7). The cost breakdown and the guide to expenses and pocket money list these items for both countries.
These are not generosity. A "bonus" that is really a language-course payment you owed anyway is not a gift, and your au pair will notice.
Key takeaway: Add up the floor and the obligations first. Only what you give beyond them counts as a gift or a bonus.
Can you pay more than the minimum?
Often yes, and many families do, but check two things before you promise it.
First, neither source we used forbids it. The US regulation sets how pay is calculated, and the German sheet states an amount, but neither discusses paying more. Agencies and sponsors may have their own rules, so ask them. "Is there any limit on extra payments or bonuses?" is a five-minute email.
Second, extra money does not change the hours. In the US, an au pair does not provide more than 10 hours of child care per day or 45 per week (22 CFR § 62.31(j)(2)). In Germany the sheet sets in principle 6 hours a day and 30 a week (BA 1.3). Paying a bonus for extra hours does not make those hours allowed. Our guide to counting the 45-hour week shows how to keep track.
When families pay more anyway
There is no data we could find on whether paying above the minimum keeps au pairs longer, so treat the reasons below as judgment, not evidence.
- A hard placement. Multiple small children, infants, a long commute, or a lot of driving.
- Extra responsibility. An au pair who runs a complicated routine or who takes on a second language role in the home.
- Retention at a good moment. Some families add a thank-you at the end of a strong year or when an extension is agreed.
- A one-off hardship. A cancelled flight, a stolen phone, an unexpected cost for the au pair.
Whichever reason you pick, tell your au pair what the money is for. "Here is a bonus for the winter" lands differently from an unexplained larger envelope.
What families give, and when
With no published norm, the best guide is the occasions themselves. These are the usual occasions, offered as a menu, not a rule.
Birthday
A birthday is the least loaded occasion. A small personal gift or a dinner your au pair chooses is the usual scale. The thing that matters is that someone remembered.
The holidays
December is the moment families ask about most. Options range from a personal gift to a contribution to a trip home. Our post on the holidays with your au pair covers the time-off side; this post is only about money and presents.
The end of the year
A farewell gift or a small bonus is common when a placement ends well. You could add something that marks the year: a framed photo, a book of messages from the children, a gift card for a place she loved.
Cash or a present?
- Cash or a transfer is easy for the au pair to use and works well when you know she is saving for something.
- A present says "I thought of you" and costs less awkwardness if you are unsure of the amount.
- A contribution to something specific, such as a flight home or a trip with friends, feels generous and avoids the "what is this for?" question.
What to avoid
- Gifts with strings. "We got you this so you could do the evening shift for us" turns a present into a bargain.
- Comparing au pairs. If you have hosted before, do not announce that the last one got more.
- Surprise reductions. If you give a gift one year, the next au pair may expect the same, and a sudden change is felt as a downgrade. Decide what you are comfortable repeating.
Set a budget before you shop
The easiest way to avoid an uncomfortable December is to decide the total early, and to decide it per year, not per occasion.
- List the occasions you want to mark. Birthday, holidays, anniversary of arrival, end of placement.
- Put one number next to the whole list. A yearly figure you are comfortable with, rather than a different number each time.
- Split it as you like. You might put more into the end-of-year gift than into smaller moments.
- Write the number down. Seeing the annual total helps you decide whether you can afford the extras you are thinking about.
An illustration, not a norm
Say a family has agreed on €400 for the year. They might give €60 at a birthday, €120 for the holidays and €220 as a farewell gift. A different family might put it all into the farewell. The point is not the amount, it is that the sum was decided once and not argued each time. Replace the figures with whatever fits your household.
Key takeaway: Decide one yearly number for extras before the first occasion arrives. It stops every December from becoming a negotiation with yourself.
Rules that still apply however generous you feel
A few limits are easy to forget when you are being kind.
- A gift does not replace anything owed. The weekly stipend or monthly pocket money is separate from presents, and it should arrive in full, on time. That is our advice from reading the sources above. If you are unsure whether a particular arrangement is allowed, ask your sponsor or agency.
- Hours stay the same. Money does not buy extra hours above the limits listed earlier.
- Obligations stay obligations. Insurance, room and board, and the language-course contribution in Germany are what you owe, not what you give.
- Taxes may apply. How extra payments are taxed depends on the country and your situation. We do not give tax advice here; ask a qualified adviser before you promise cash.
- Put it in writing. If you agree a recurring top-up, write it into your agreement. Our post on written agreements beyond the handbook shows how.
A year of small moments
Gifts feel easier when they are spread out, because no single occasion has to carry the whole year. Here is one way to lay it out, as an example and not a standard:
| When | Idea |
|---|---|
| First weeks | A small welcome: a local snack, a map of the neighbourhood, a transit card if you cover it |
| Her birthday | A personal present or a meal she picks |
| The holidays | A gift, plus a decision about travel home if she wants to go |
| Midway through | A short thank-you note when the first hard stretch is over |
| The end | A farewell gift and a note from the children |
Every row is optional. What matters is that the family decides before the moment arrives, and that nobody feels tested by it.
When money is tight
A gift does not have to be money. Some of the extras au pairs value most cost the family very little, and they sit comfortably outside the rules above.
- Time. An extra free evening, a long weekend after a hard stretch, or an early finish before a big trip. Extra time off is a real gift as long as the weekly stipend stays untouched. Our guide to time-off requests shows how to handle it fairly.
- Shared costs. A contribution to a phone plan, a transit pass or a weekend trip the au pair takes with friends.
- Experiences. A family day out that is clearly a day off, with nobody watching the clock, or a meal at a place she has mentioned.
- A personal touch. A handwritten note from you and one from each child. Many au pairs keep these for years.
The test is the same for all of them: would she be free to say no, and does it replace anything she is owed? If both answers are yes and no respectively, it is a gift.
How to hand it over
How you give something matters nearly as much as what it is.
- Pick a calm moment. A relaxed evening works better than the rush before school.
- Say what it is for. One sentence is enough: "This is a thank-you for the winter, and it is not connected to anything you need to do."
- Keep cash discreet. An envelope or a transfer with a short note avoids putting her on the spot in front of the children.
- Ask before big gestures. If you are paying toward a flight or a trip, check dates and plans with her first, so the gift fits her life and not only your idea of it.
- Do not expect a reaction. Some au pairs are shy about money and may not know what to say.
If you are unsure what she would like, use the weekly check-in. Our weekly check-in guide has a few minutes of agenda where "what would make the next months easier?" fits naturally. And if a placement is ending, saying goodbye well matters more than the size of the farewell gift.
What about gifts from your au pair?
Au pairs often want to give something back, on a very small budget. A drawing from a child, a dish she cooked, a card in her own language: these are worth more than anything you could buy, and they cost her little. Accept them warmly. If she buys something expensive for the children or for you, a quiet word that it is not expected usually helps, because she may be stretching her pocket money to do it.
Seeing the true annual number
It is easy to underestimate what an au pair year costs, because the extras arrive in small, separate moments: a birthday dinner, a tank of fuel, a flight contribution, a gift. Few families add them up as they go.
Keeping them in one place helps. If you already log household costs, the shared expenses in AuPairSync let you record a gift or a top-up next to the usual spending, so you see the real figure by year's end instead of at tax time. It is a bookkeeping habit, not a rule, and a spreadsheet does the same job.
Questions to ask before you decide
- Is it a gift or part of the agreement? If you expect to repeat it, it behaves like pay.
- Would I be comfortable if my sponsor or agency read the arrangement? If not, rethink it.
- Does the amount match what I can repeat for the next au pair?
- Have I told her what it is for?
- Does it replace anything I owe? If yes, it is not a gift.
Your checklist
- Now: add up the floor and the obligations, and note what is left.
- Before December: decide a yearly budget for extras, and the occasions it covers.
- Check with your sponsor or agency: any limits on extra payments, and how they handle bonuses.
- Before promising cash: ask a tax adviser if it is a recurring payment.
- At each occasion: tell her what the gift is for, and write down what you gave.
- At the end of the year: compare the total with the budget, and note what you would repeat.
Regulations change. The information in this article reflects the rules and sources linked above as of the publish date. Always verify current requirements with your placement agency or immigration authority.
The bigger picture
Dana ended up giving Mira a framed photo of the two children on the beach, a card the kids had drawn on, and a contribution towards her flight home in the new year. She told Mira exactly what the money was for. Mira cried a little and said no host family before had done more than hand over an envelope.
Extras matter less for their size than for the message they carry. A thoughtful gift tells an au pair that she was noticed, and a well-explained bonus tells her that the year counted. Money is only part of that, but it is the part families dread getting wrong, so plan it early and keep it honest.
Budgeting for your au pair year? Download AuPairSync to keep expenses, gifts and top-ups in one place from day one.
