Raise it early, raise it small, and bring dates. Most conflicts between au pairs and host families in Germany are not about bad people. They are about a week that drifted: an extra hour here, a Sunday that was supposed to be free, a rule nobody said out loud. The longer that runs, the harder it is to name, because by month three it has become the way things are done in this house.
This post is about how to have that conversation, and what your footing is when you have it. The rules it refers to come from the Federal Employment Agency's au pair sheet, the sheet the immigration offices apply.
Your hours, tasks and host family chat, in one app.
Know what is actually agreed
Before any conversation, be clear on the floor you are standing on. In Germany the household tasks, including looking after the children, must as a rule not take more than six hours a day and 30 hours a week. You get at least 1.5 full rest days a week, at least four free evenings, and at least one free Sunday a month. You get your own room and your meals free of charge, €280 a month, and at least €840 towards a German course over the stay. Hours beyond the agreement need prior agreement and come back to you as time off.
That matters for a practical reason. "I feel like I'm working too much" invites a debate about feelings. "Last week came to 37 hours, here are the days" invites a conversation about the plan. The second one is much easier for a tired parent to hear, and much harder to wave away.
Write the week down for two weeks
Before you raise anything about hours, spend two weeks writing down what you actually did. Start time, end time, what you were doing. Do it on your phone in the moment, because reconstructing a week on Sunday evening turns into guesswork you will not defend well.
Then add it up. The au pair schedule checker does the arithmetic and flags the days that go over six hours and the weeks that go over 30, which is a calmer way to show it than a page of your own notes.
Two weeks is enough. It also protects you from the opposite mistake: sometimes the week that felt endless adds up to 28 hours, and the real problem was that none of the evenings were yours.
The conversation itself
A few things make it go better, and none of them are about being tough.
Ask for a time. "Do you have twenty minutes this evening after the children are in bed?" A conversation you start while someone is putting shoes on a four year old will not land, however right you are.
Bring one topic. Hours, or money, or the room. Not all three. Three problems at once sounds like a verdict on the family, and people defend themselves against verdicts.
Say what you want, not only what is wrong. "Can we move my free evening to Thursday, because my course is on Tuesday now" is a request someone can say yes to. "It's not working" is not.
Write your sentences out first if you are speaking German. One clear sentence you rehearsed beats three fluent ones you did not. And if the topic is hard, it is fine to say which language you would rather have it in.
Then stop talking and let them answer. Most host parents have no idea the week drifted, because they were counting the hours they asked for, not the hours you worked.
What to do about the answer
If they agree: write down the new arrangement the same day and send it in a short message, so you both have the same version. That is not distrust, it is how anything survives a busy month.
If they push back on the facts: go back to the notes. Dates and times settle it without anyone having to be believed.
If nothing changes after two conversations, keep a short log with dates. You may never need it. If you do need it, contemporaneous notes are worth far more than a memory.
When it is more than a misunderstanding
Some things are not drift, and the conversation is not the fix:
Regularly over six hours a day or 30 hours a week after you raised it. No rest days or free evenings at all. Pocket money that does not arrive or arrives short. No room of your own. Tasks with nothing to do with childcare or light housework. Your passport or documents held by someone else.
If you came through an agency, contact them at that point. Mediation between au pair and host family is one of the things agencies exist for, and using them is not an escalation, it is the process working. The immigration office for the place you live is the contact for questions about your stay. If the placement cannot be repaired, a rematch is possible, and the rematch guide goes through how that runs.
Tell homesickness and a bad match apart
They can feel identical from the inside in week five, and confusing them cuts both ways: people leave a good family because the fifth week is hard, and people stay in a bad one because they think they are just sad.
A rough test. Homesickness follows a curve, hits hardest in the evenings and on Sundays, and eases when something in your own life gets going (a class, a person, a plan for Saturday). A bad match does not ease, it gets more specific: the same hour, the same task, the same argument. If you are not sure which one you are in, homesickness as an au pair has the longer version.
Your free time is part of the answer either way. You have at least four free evenings a week and 1.5 rest days for a reason, and the vacation calculator shows the paid holiday you have already earned if you need a longer break.
Frequently asked questions
What should I do if my host family gives me more than 30 hours a week?
Write down the hours you actually worked, day by day, for two weeks, then ask for a short conversation about the plan. In Germany the tasks must as a rule not take more than six hours a day and 30 hours a week, and anything beyond that has to be agreed in advance and given back to you as time off.
How do I bring up a problem in German when my German is basic?
Write the sentence out before you speak, keep it to one point, and offer the language you are most confident in. Ask for the conversation at a set time rather than in passing, so neither of you is holding a child or a coat while you talk.
Am I allowed to say no to extra work?
Extra hours beyond the agreed plan need prior agreement, so yes, you can say no. A useful middle answer is to say yes to a specific evening and ask which hours come back to you in the same week.
What counts as a real problem rather than homesickness?
Hours over the limits, no free evenings, no rest days, pocket money that does not arrive, no room of your own, or being asked to do things outside childcare and light housework. Feeling low in week five is usually adjustment; a week that breaks the rules is a different matter.
Who can I turn to if talking to my host family does not help?
Your agency first, if you came through one, because mediation is part of what agencies do. The local immigration office is the contact for questions about your stay, and if the placement cannot be saved, a rematch with another family is possible.
Your rights in Germany, each one next to the source it comes from, are on the au pair guide for Germany.
AuPairSync keeps the agreed plan and your real hours in one place, which turns most of these conversations into a short one.