How to Communicate Expectations Clearly with Your Au Pair

Communication is the foundation of a successful au pair relationship. When expectations are clear, your au pair feels confident, children receive consistent care, and your household runs smoothly. When communication falters, misunderstandings multiply, frustration builds, and relationships suffer.

This guide reveals common communication pitfalls and provides practical strategies for ensuring you and your au pair are always on the same page.

Why Communication Is the Foundation of Au Pair Success

The au pair relationship is unique—it's part employee, part family member, part cultural exchange. This complexity makes crystal-clear communication essential:

• Different expectations: Your au pair may come from a culture with different childcare norms
• Language barriers: Even fluent English speakers may miss nuances
• Living together: Small miscommunications can compound when you share a home
• Childcare stakes: Children's safety and well-being depend on understanding

When you communicate expectations clearly from day one, you build trust, prevent problems, and create an environment where your au pair can thrive.

Common Communication Pitfalls

Pitfall #1: Assumptions About "Common Sense"

The Problem: "I assumed she'd know to lock the door when taking the kids to the park." "I thought it was obvious he shouldn't give the baby food without asking."

What seems obvious to you may not be to someone from a different cultural background or with different childcare experience.

The Solution: State everything explicitly—at least once. Better to over-communicate initially than discover a dangerous gap later.

Example of clear communication: "When you take the children outside, please always lock the front door behind you. Even if we're just going to the backyard for 10 minutes. I'll show you where we keep the spare key in case I'm not home when you return."

Pitfall #2: Vague or Abstract Instructions

The Problem: "Can you clean up the playroom?" "Make sure dinner is ready when I get home." "Help Emma get ready for bed."

Vague instructions leave room for interpretation—and frustration when results don't match expectations.

The Solution: Be specific about what "done" looks like. Provide step-by-step instructions for complex tasks.

Vague vs. Specific Examples:

❌ Vague: "Clean up the playroom" ✅ Specific: "Put all toys in the labeled bins, books on the shelf organized by size, and vacuum the rug. Should take about 20 minutes."

❌ Vague: "Get Emma ready for bed" ✅ Specific: "Emma's bedtime routine: bath at 7:00 PM, brush teeth, purple pajamas (top drawer), read three books, lights out by 8:00 PM. Check her routine in her AuPairSync profile for full details."

❌ Vague: "Make something healthy for lunch" ✅ Specific: "Lunch should include a protein, fruit, and vegetable. Emma loves turkey sandwiches, apple slices, and carrot sticks. No peanut butter—her classmate has allergies."

Pitfall #3: Cultural Differences in Communication Styles

The Problem: Communication styles vary dramatically across cultures:

• Directness: Some cultures value blunt honesty; others consider it rude
• Hierarchy: In some cultures, questioning authority is inappropriate
• Conflict: Some cultures address issues immediately; others avoid confrontation
• Emotion: Showing frustration varies from acceptable to taboo

The Solution: Discuss communication preferences early. Ask your au pair:

• "How do you prefer to receive feedback—immediately or during weekly check-ins?"
• "If you're confused about something, do you feel comfortable asking questions?"
• "If there's a problem, how should we talk about it?"

Establish norms together rather than assuming your way is universal.

Pitfall #4: Inconsistent Messages

The Problem:

• Monday: "Please stick to the schedule I gave you"
• Wednesday: "Why didn't you take them to the park? It was beautiful out!"
• Friday: "Can you skip their nap today so they'll sleep tonight?"

Inconsistency creates confusion and anxiety. Your au pair doesn't know which instruction to follow.

The Solution: Separate routine expectations from situational changes. Use AuPairSync to document standing expectations, then communicate specific deviations clearly:

"The normal routine is in AuPairSync, but today specifically, skip Emma's nap so she sleeps well tonight. Tomorrow, back to the regular schedule."

For more on establishing consistent routines, see our guide on creating effective daily routines.

Pitfall #5: Avoiding Difficult Conversations

The Problem: You notice your au pair consistently forgets to have the children wash hands before meals. You don't say anything because you don't want to seem critical. Weeks pass. Resentment builds. Finally, you explode over a minor issue.

The Solution: Address small issues immediately with kindness:

"Hey, I noticed the kids skipped handwashing before lunch today. Germs spread quickly, so it's important they wash hands before every meal. Can you add it to your before-meal checklist?"

Early, gentle corrections prevent big blow-ups later.

Pitfall #6: Forgetting to Explain "Why"

The Problem: "Don't give Emma juice after 4:00 PM"—without explaining she'll wet the bed. "Always check the car seat straps"—without explaining the safety risk.

When au pairs don't understand why rules exist, they're more likely to forget or deprioritize them.

The Solution: Explain the reasoning behind important rules:

"Please don't give Emma juice after 4:00 PM because she's still learning nighttime potty training. Evening liquids often lead to bedwetting, which is really discouraging for her."

Now your au pair understands it's about Emma's confidence, not arbitrary control.

Best Practices for Clear Communication

1. Write It Down

Spoken instructions fade. Written expectations last.

Use AuPairSync to document:

• Daily and weekly schedules
• Child-specific routines and preferences
• House rules and family values
• Emergency procedures
• Contact information for pediatricians, schools, and trusted neighbors

When in doubt, add it to AuPairSync. Your au pair can reference it anytime without interrupting you. This is especially helpful when assigning essential tasks during the first month.

2. Be Specific About Time

Time-related miscommunications are common:

❌ "Put the kids to bed early tonight" ✅ "Bedtime is 7:30 PM tonight instead of the usual 8:00 PM"

❌ "Dinner should be ready when I get home" ✅ "I'll be home at 6:15 PM. Please have dinner on the table by 6:20 PM."

Specific times eliminate ambiguity.

3. Check for Understanding

After explaining something important, ask:

• "Does that make sense?"
• "Can you walk me through what you'll do?"
• "Do you have any questions about that?"

Don't just ask "Do you understand?"—many cultures consider it rude to say no, even when confused.

4. Use Examples and Demonstrations

For complex tasks, show rather than just tell:

• Demonstrate the bedtime routine while your au pair watches
• Cook a meal together while explaining techniques
• Walk through the morning dropoff routine together

Follow up with written notes in AuPairSync so they can reference later.

5. Create a Weekly Check-In

Schedule 30 minutes weekly to:

• Review what went well
• Discuss challenges
• Adjust expectations if needed
• Answer questions
• Plan for the week ahead

Regular touchpoints prevent small issues from becoming big problems. This is particularly important when managing work hours to ensure your au pair doesn't exceed weekly limits.

6. Leverage AuPairSync's Message Hub

Instead of scattered texts, use AuPairSync's Message Hub for:

Context-Rich Messages: Attach messages to specific tasks or children:

• "Emma seemed tired after school today—she might need an earlier bedtime"
• "Thanks for handling the morning rush so smoothly! The kids got to school on time and calm."

Question Threads: Your au pair can ask questions about tasks without interrupting you:

• "Emma wants a playdate on Saturday. Should I coordinate with the other mom?"
• "We're out of Emma's favorite snacks. Should I grab them during tomorrow's grocery run?"

Documented Communication: All your expectations, feedback, and adjustments are saved in one place—eliminating "I didn't know" situations.

Giving Constructive Feedback

The Feedback Sandwich Method

1. Start with positive: "You've been doing great with the morning routine"
2. Address the issue: "I noticed Emma's lunch has been a bit light lately. Can we make sure she's getting a full meal with protein and vegetables?"
3. End with encouragement: "Thanks for being so flexible. I know juggling both kids in the morning isn't easy."

Be Specific, Not General

❌ "You need to be more careful" ✅ "Please double-check that the car seat straps are tight before driving. They should pass the pinch test—you shouldn't be able to pinch any slack."

Focus on Behavior, Not Character

❌ "You're so disorganized" ✅ "The diaper bag wasn't fully packed yesterday. Let's create a checklist so nothing gets forgotten."

Offer Solutions

Don't just point out problems—provide tools to solve them:

"I've noticed homework time sometimes runs long. Let's set a timer for each subject and take 5-minute breaks in between. That might help keep focus up."

Using AuPairSync for Better Communication

Task Descriptions

Instead of vague task titles, use descriptions:

Task: School Pickup Description:

• Leave by 2:45 PM (school is 10 minutes away)
• Park in lot B (closer to Emma's classroom)
• Sign Emma out at the front desk
• Check her backpack for notes from the teacher
• Ask about her day during the drive home

Child Profiles

Document everything about each child:

• Allergies and medical needs
• Favorite foods and absolute dislikes
• Comfort techniques when upset
• Developmental milestones and current challenges
• Friendship dynamics and social considerations

Your au pair can review profiles before important moments (first playdate, doctor's appointment, school event).

Priority Labels

Mark urgent tasks so your au pair knows what matters most:

• 🔴 High Priority: "Emma's medication must be given at exactly 3:00 PM"
• 🟡 Medium Priority: "Grocery shopping—we're low on milk but not out"
• 🟢 Low Priority: "Organize craft supplies when you have time"

Photo Attachments

A picture is worth a thousand words:

• Photo of how the playroom should look when "clean"
• Picture of Emma's favorite lunch setup
• Image of how to properly install the car seat
• Screenshot of directions to the new soccer field

Example Scenarios: Good vs. Poor Communication

Scenario 1: Screen Time Rules

❌ Poor Communication: "Don't let them watch too much TV."

✅ Good Communication: "Our screen time rule: 30 minutes max per day, only after homework and outdoor play. Shows must be pre-approved—the list is in AuPairSync under Family Rules. Emma knows this rule, so she might push back. Stay consistent."

Scenario 2: Handling a Sick Child

❌ Poor Communication: "If Emma gets sick, let me know."

✅ Good Communication: "If Emma has a fever over 100.4°F, runny nose with colored mucus, vomiting, or seems unusually lethargic, text me immediately. For minor complaints (small scrape, tired, mild tummy ache), use your judgment but document it in AuPairSync so I'm aware. The thermometer and first aid kit are under the bathroom sink."

Scenario 3: Meal Planning

❌ Poor Communication: "Can you make dinner tonight?"

✅ Good Communication: "Can you make dinner tonight? We have chicken in the fridge—Emma loves when you make your pasta dish. Dinner should be ready by 6:00 PM. I'll handle cleanup since you're cooking. Thanks for being flexible!"

Conclusion

Clear communication transforms the au pair relationship from stressful to seamless. By avoiding common pitfalls—assumptions, vagueness, inconsistency—and implementing best practices like written expectations, regular check-ins, and thoughtful feedback, you create an environment where your au pair knows exactly what's expected and feels confident delivering it.

AuPairSync amplifies your communication by centralizing expectations, enabling context-rich messages, and providing a reference library your au pair can access 24/7. The result? Less confusion, more confidence, and a thriving partnership that benefits everyone—especially your children.

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Related Articles:

• 20 Essential Tasks to Assign Your Au Pair in the First Month
• Managing Au Pair Work Hours: A Practical Guide
• Setting Up Your Au Pair for Success in the First Week